The Invisible Wall

September 16, 2016
Invisible Wall

Are you out of your mind? The thing that’s holding you back is.

Where have we built a house of invisible walls to keep ourselves contained while giving us the illusion of clarity of thought and sight?

So I had an interesting insight after observing my own behavior a week or so ago. I have a new freelance art project, and I’ve tried freelance before, only to find I struggled with it. Now before, I came up with a lot of “reasons” why it was so hard for me. Too unstructured, no set schedule to adhere to, no one helping me, didn’t like it, didn’t feel it, just didn’t work for me. But I was propositioned for this new illustration very serendipitously, so I went with it. It was very interesting how I reacted once I chose to start working on it.

I am observing myself daydreaming (not the creative kind, the distracted mind adrift kind), wandering around the house, wandering to the kitchen even though I’ve already eaten and just opening and closing the cabinets and refrigerator, wandering from room to room, sitting on my bed or laying down, playing with the cat or watching the snake…

I am suddenly in a state of total unfocus and inability to think/decide/choose whatever.

I have not had this level of reaction to anything for months, maybe years! Certainly not for playing games or watching tv, not even for writing down blog ideas or recording energy clearings.


There is not even the thought of “I don’t want to” or “don’t feel like it right now,” I’m just not doing it.

How many times in the past have I gone into this space, and somehow I concluded that meant I didn’t enjoy or it just wasn’t my style? What if it was actually never mental, never emotional, never even judgment or reason? This feels like pure limitation, so far beneath my consciousness I can’t even sense it.

For almost every project in the past, especially digital art, once I got myself moving, putting color to canvas or word to paper, the progress just flowed. Sometimes I would even stay up late into the night. Clearly drawing is not hard. Clearly painting is not hard. Obviously writing is not hard as I was just gushing out a new story idea the other day. And here I am creating a blog right now.

What is hard is Fighting the Invisible Wall: struggling with that anti-focus and pushing through, climbing over, surmounting all that resistance that I can’t even put a name to or find a root to cause it. It’s so anti-conscious and unaware – it is purely The Nothing.

How many others have this same reaction? And what triggers it for you? If not art, is it other kinds of work? Or school? Or even hobbies or activities that are supposed to be fun or used to be fun? I don’t know abut you, but for me, I think it often happens with socializing with people too. I can come up with ten thousand reasons I don’t want to “bother” someone, but ultimately I think it comes down to this same thing: I try to choose to just go up to them and speak, but I just don’t, my mind getting stuck in some kind of loop of thoughts, projections, or distractions, and it just doesn’t happen.

So many of us have this idea (keyword there, idea) that everything that we create in our lives comes from our mind. I know I personally do projections, expectations, justifications, reasons and separations, decisions, computations, and imagined scenarios really really skillfully. But if you look at yourself as your True Self, an infinite being who creates whole realities, is All of You really contained in your front brain? Is all of your life even filtered through your front brain? Well, in a way, that is where you experience reality, but is that really where you create it? Or is your world created somewhere higher, somewhere before all this? And I use the word “before” carefully, because that implies that some kind of time is involved, but remember that Time is an illusion, something we created so that we would not experience all of existence all at once.

But these Invisible Walls, and other energies like them, are outside of our Mind. They weren’t created from thought, reason or even judgment. They were choices that we made at some point, but how many of your choices did you actually make in your mind? How many of your life choices did you actually make before the age of 5? How many did you make before you were even born into this lifetime or came into this version of reality? And since you didn’t mentally choose them, what makes you think you can mentally destroy them?

Okay, this is the point where most of us go into “Oh dear god I have no control over this! I can’t not do this thing!”

Stop. That. Right. Now. That is not where I’m going with this.

I’m going to make an aside here that’s probably going to piss some people off. Hence I will try to keep it short, but you know me (or you will if you go back and read the rest of my blogs).

So over the last generation or so, there has been a burst of people, especially kids, being diagnosed with various psychological disorders. I won’t put out an exhaustive list because that could probably double the length of the entry, but a few examples would be ADHD, bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, PTSD that sorta thing. Now I wasn’t one of those diagnosed, either because I’m high-functioning enough not to be a bothersome child or my family was too low-income to support a psychiatry bill. I did have my stepmother bring me an article about Asperger’s when I was a teenager.

Now as I began to read it, a certain string of thoughts went through my head. I started to go into “Oh, so there could be an explanation for why I don’t ‘people’ well…” but then I slammed my mental foot down and stopped myself “No, I will not give myself an excuse that people have to put up with me as I am because I have a problem. I will not stop myself from changing. I will not decide that I have a problem and therefore I can’t improve myself or do different.”

Looking back at that, and looking down into that hole, I realize just how deep the judgment goes around all of this. The very fact that the first thought I would go to is “Having this problem means you can’t help yourself, you can’t change” is a huge deal. There is a really strange validation to that, one which I wanted and didn’t want at the same time, because it would mean admitting I had basically a disease while simultaneously justifying my behavior. In addition to that is the part about “You don’t act like other kids so you must have a problem” not to mention “If you have a problem, we must identify what it is.” I actually had a kid on the bus ask me one time “What’s wrong with you?” I didn’t have a clue what to say, or what he even meant, and I chalked it up to just the usual level of being picked on.

I’m sure others have had the same sort of aches and pains, and many, many more, around this stuff, whether you were diagnosed or not, supported for it or shamed for it (or both). Let me make it clear that my following words are not meant to invalidate (or violate) you or your life in any way. I am only presenting you with a certain perspective about the thing.

These kinds of “disorders” (isn’t that an interesting word: dis-order, as in you are out-of-order, like a broken machine, instead of “Behold Your Glorious Chaos!“) are all Invisible Walls. They are conditions and reactions created by choices, creations and energies that are not rooted in the front brain, our Minds. Our society labels them as “psychological” but then our society is so heavily intellect-based and so often tosses aside the vast spiritual planes as irrelevant, religious and superstitious, or nonexistent.

But because they are so hard to change or can’t be “fixed” by thinking your way out of them, we then go to that “can’t do better” mindset. Now you have been diagnosed! Now you can tell people they have to put up with your problems because you can’t do better. Now you don’t have to try so hard to conform, or better yet, if you do manage to “overcome” and behave “normally,” you are actually congratulated for it. “Crazy Cathy was less crazy today! She gets more brownie points! Normal Nancy over here though, she was just normal. I don’t think she’s trying as hard as she could be.”

Okay, I think I went far enough with that line of thought, hell probably too far, but yeah, I went there.

So now then, if you do have an Invisible Wall, or two, or three, or forty-thousand, in your life, whether they be getting your artwork done or just managing daily life without having a breakdown: What are you going to do about it? Have you been going into reasons, like I did: “This just doesn’t work for me.” “I don’t like doing this.” What I’m asking is, have you tried to pretend that it’s mental? Anyone ever told you “It’s all in your mind.” Well screw that, what if it isn’t?

Trust me, it’s really easy to do. In fact we really, really want to, because we intellectual, smart people like to have reasons, justifications and conclusions to help us control and structure our world. Or did you go into “I can’t do this! I just can’t seem to change! I must have some kind of disorder! Don’t try to fix me! Don’t expect me to do better!” Or maybe you did both?

As I said, our modern society throws out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to the spiritual planes and even the subconscious in a lot of cases. You know more about yourself than any shrink, but the things that you Know Deep Within are the part of you that has been invalidated. There are ways to not just overcome Invisible Walls but to destroy and uncreate them entirely.

(Insert Access Bars and Body Processes promo material here)

Seriously though, I do have to mention the Bars just once, but not to advertise them (there’s plenty of ads out there, you can go check them out if you want). What also came to me, after my realization about having this Invisible Wall between me and my freelance work and other creations, was the hissy fit I threw about it.

I was so frustrated, so upset, so enraged that I could not get at this thing through my Mind to fix it, to even sense it, that if my boyfriend had not been asleep in the next room, I probably would have been screaming at the walls. I was screaming, I was just doing it very quietly.

And then it occurred to me, if I have that kind of reaction to something that is limiting me from an anti-conscious, unaware place that I can’t even think myself through or sense, gee I wonder why I haven’t felt like I’ve made a lot of progress from receiving Bars sessions? If I am unwilling to accept and deal with the existence of an Invisible Wall with grace and gratitude that I even got a little clarity on it, how could I truly receive a body process that pretty much the whole point of it is to totally bypass my mind and get straight to the issues that I cannot sense? I would obviously not be able to mentally sense the results of that. What if the headache I’ve been giving myself about it is actually my mind, dear beautiful brilliant thing that she is, trying desperately to grasp and possess this process? This is something I will endeavor to relax and not do in the future, and I encourage you, whatever modality or meditation you dive into to address your Invisible Walls, don’t do this to yourself.

Just think of your mind as being the Accounting Department of You. Would a large corporation let Accounting run the whole company? Would that be good for the company? Would that be good for Accounting?! So what would it be like to give your Accountant a break and let Research and Development do their job? What would it be like for you the Infinite Being to be the CEO of You, for real this time? And yeah, Accounting has been doing this a long time. They’re gonna be a little nervous about letting go of the reigns, but as long as you still give them things to do, things that they’re actually good at, like just gathering information, doing all the maths, they’ll actually be happier after a while of not being forced to make all the decisions.

So, why would we ever create these Invisible Walls for ourselves? Everything in life is a choice, even those things we create outside our minds. At some point we did choose and create that for ourselves. So what could possibly cause us to create an obstacle to our own creations? Well, since it is not chosen in the mind, where else would we find it?

When you walk around barefoot, where does the dirt on the bottoms of your feet come from? Did you paint it on? Or was it already there on the ground you walk on?

You see, that is what makes creation, change and self-improvement so hard in this reality. We are told all our lives that life is hard, life is struggle. We as artists are told it’s hard to get a break, the image of the starving artist is not just a stereotype but almost secretly an ideal. I mean, if you’re not starving you must be a sell-out, right? The same with “adulting.” Paying bills, buying groceries (the healthy kind), cooking, cleaning all the things, these are all really hard, right? Um, and we have to do all those things all the time…right? Just like we have to go to college, get a steady job, buy a car, buy a house, all that stuff…right…?

What if we don’t have to do any of it, neither make our lives about work and profit, nor struggle to do our work or make our profit? What if none of it is hard? What is there is nothing in the world that is actually difficult?

But we’ve been told all our lives that it is! We watched our parents and family and friends struggle to overcome constantly! Even our teachers, our mentors, our heroes, they all have stories of the days when they were young, learning the ropes, competing, doing drudge work, walking uphill both ways!

Huh, isn’t that interesting, everybody we ever based our lives on struggled, fought, cried and died. I wonder why the hell would we choose these Invisible Walls? Does…does anybody not have Invisible Walls to struggle over?

If we gave up our Invisible Walls, would we destroy this reality?




Facts on Access Consciousness vs. Scientology

April 23, 2016

So I have now ventured into that alternate dimension of sight and sound: The Vlogging Zone. Are you tired of hearing about Access yet? Oh well, you’ll just have to put up with it a bit longer. This topic is one I wanted to write up months ago, but it tended to read as a defensive rant, so I felt a video might better express my desire to simply provide information and clarity about Access and how it is often misinterpreted and bashed online. In the future I’ll look for more Darkness-specific and less AC intensive topics for videos (and written word).

Apologies, I realized later I wandered away into the light & heavy tool and light & dark instead of finishing my thought on when something I or anyone in Access says feels heavy to you: Basically the concept is this: no one can tell you what’s right or wrong for you. Follow the energy, follow your own Awareness. Gary has said many times, if I tell you something and it is heavy for you, if it’s not True for you, don’t do it! Though do keep asking questions. Something that is heavy now may be light later. The question for that is “Is now the time?” Light and heavy isn’t “yes” and “no” forever, they’re not answers, they’re just the shape of the energy around a situation.
There is so much more I could say and elaborate on. I will just have to wait ’til later. Thanks for watching! What else is possible that we haven’t even imagined?


Demons: Consciousness, Kin, Knowing & Nothing

February 27, 2016

a series of sketches in favor of getting this entry up quickly as i feel like now is the time – don’t worry i have every intention of making a full illustration at some point

So I wanted to address a few things about Access Consciousness (a methodology I’ve been studying for some months now – I’ll post a list of sites to reference their free stuff at the bottom and I hope you will take some time and explore it). I know the title says DEMONS but I’m gonna take a minute to get to that to give you some context. My first thing about Access is they seem to have a trend in their marketing towards either the mainstream or what I call the “fluffy bunnies” of the spiritual community – don’t get me wrong those of you who are already on the Access bandwagon, I don’t think humanoids are fluffy bunnies *when they’re Awake and Aware* – more like Mad March Hares with Phenomenal Cosmic Powers, and I love that about it. But let’s face it folks, the website is white with a periwinkle blue dandelion puff. Us geeks, goths, freaks ‘n punks are gonna look at that and at best say “not my thing” and at worst throw it on the bonfire as complete garbage – because we are the shadow foxes who hunt the fluffy bunnies in the dead of night – because the fluffy bunnies refuse to acknowledge the Power in the Darkness and shut themselves off from any awareness and capacities it might afford them. It doesn’t help that a fair few of the reviews of people who’ve tried Access are just gushing about how there’s nothing else like it, they just can’t believe it, they just can’t wait to shell out another few hundred bucks to get to the next class, the next call, more books more clearings – this is why I say *aware humanoids* because some people are being Followers not leaders in their own lives, and they are using Access as the carrot they string out in front of them to keep themselves moving. Am I judging? Yeah probably. Interesting point of view there! But i don’t doubt there’s some genuine truth and awareness embedded in it somewhere.
So what i want to do is take the Access Consciousness tools and methods and twist and sharpen the marketing, target specific classes, tools, and concepts that I think would be most appealing to the geeks & the goths (pardon me for labeling folks, but for the sake of brevity, you can probably assume you are included somewhere in there if you have any interest in my blog at all).
There are a lot of things that would probably just need a makeover, a little more eyeliner, some black lace, and they’d have the same impact for us Darker types. Other things to me may need some translation or even serious re-wording. The issue with marketing to the mainstream is obvious when, among other things, you’re talking about the fae, elves, dragons, vampires, and demons (see I made it!), not just those who inhabit other realities or appear in spirit form, what Access calls “entities” but also those who choose to take on human bodies – i.e. Otherkin.
Now, if you check out the Talk To The Entities site, you will find information there about what Access calls “demons.” My key point in this article is what demons are for Access and how those entities are different from what I and other trusted sources i am familiar with know about demonic and demon-like entities and people who identify as demons.
Firstly, as anyone who’s done any research knows, “demon” is a loaded term. A really fucking loaded term. This is the kind of thing fluffy bunnies will barely even talk about: they just come up with a whole bunch of ways to put up shields and strengthen their auras and subtle bodies fend off vampire attacks and so on. Which, by the way, Access does not support, quite the opposite, they do a lot of work with putting your barriers down so you can receive from all things without judgment. But the fluffy bunnies, the light workers, the angel guides followers, how often do they actually talk about what demons are? More often they assume that you know what that means and it means something you don’t want around you. This also can be true of some religions, except most religions have a lot of history and ancient lore where people used to  study and write demonology, or whatever they call their particular brand of evil spirits. Nowadays, even in belief systems that have beings that are only neutral or tricksters, the modern idea has pervaded (or invaded) that there must be evil forces, must be right and wrong, must be benevolent protagonists with antagonists bent on destruction and taking over the world, entities that were only a little chaotic before become the villains of the story. I’m speaking of deities like Loki and Hades, beings like Lilith, and their servants – the idea of the Devil ruling the Underworld has become so embedded in the overarching culture that there is an assumed bipolar charge of good vs evil overlaid on mythology and stories of all kinds.
This has the effect that people make assumptions about the entities they’re dealing with. If something appears as a shadow being, a fire creature, an ugly or inhuman thing, or is a strange mishmash of parts of different creatures, horns and tails and hooves, or if it simply identifies as “a demon,” people reject it with fear and mistrust and do everything they ever heard of to get rid of it, to block it’s influence and energy from themselves and their loved ones. Or if they aren’t on “the light-right-handed path,” they try to trap it, control it, trick it into giving them something, or send it after other people they don’t like. On the other hand, if something is a being of light, identifies as an angel, or something like that, people put their trust in it, take it’s guidance as greater and better than their own intuition and knowing, put all the choices in their lives under it’s power to choose and not their own. Do you see the problem here?
There are those, however, who have a much clearer understanding of demonkind, who they are, where they’re from, how to work with them or around them. They don’t judge or fear them, or try to overpower or manipulate them, they allow them to just be, just like people, and they don’t treat angels or ghosts or fairies or trees or animals any differently either. They may even see and talk to demon entities every day. And then of course, there are those spirits who choose to incarnate into a human body for whatever benefits that affords them: these are Otherkin, and demons are just as able to choose this possibility as the fae, vampyres, shapeshifters, dragons, unicorns, cats, whatever.
I personally have a friend who told me they are a demon Otherkin, and they described what it is like to me and showed me an illustration of what their demon form would look like. This person is one of the kindest, most creative people I know – they definitely are not made of the things that Access describes as “demons.” I also am very close with one who is a hybrid of an incubus, not exactly a demon, not exactly a vampire either, but not considered a benign spirit by most people’s standards. I have met in person and online various people who identify and live as demons, vampires and other creatures. I know others who have described themselves as creatures that have no name in traditional mythology. What do they do? How do they live their lives? Pretty much like anyone else: eat, sleep, work, play, talk to people, pet the dog/ cat/ snake/ raven, etc. It’s just that they are often aware of energies and other entities that the average human doesn’t allow for, and they have deeper knowing and remembrance of the time they lived as spirit or in another form or another time. But are they out to harm anyone else? If they’re aware of what they are, usually no – they can have a little fun messing with someone’s mind now and again, but for the most part, they are not bent on creating hell on earth. And a lot of them are very bright, very creative, intelligent and Awake and Aware people – they are not bringers of self-destruction and anti-consciousness.
Now let me explain what Access classifies as “demons” : they are entities who were brought to this reality from another realm for the purpose of creating massive amounts of unawareness and anti-consciousness (what Access calls “stupidity”) and were tasked with separating people from our full capacities and magic as the infinite beings that we truly are. Now, everything in a person’s reality is a choice, so demons do not control us. They don’t have power over us, except where we give up our own power in favor of ideas, judgments and limitations that make us powerless. These kind of demons help us think up ideas like that.
Now I struggled with this for a long while: My understanding of what demons were came from mythology, fantasy, my dreams and stories I’ve read and written. I personally believe that very few things, if any in the Multiverse, are truly 100% evil, and I believe that everything has free will, everything can choose to change and become something else, something new. So to me, if a spirit started out as a demon when it emerged from the primordial soup, the mists of possibility of energy and creation, then there is nothing stopping it from changing and reforming itself, literally re-form-ing, into an angel, an animal totem, a squid-headed god, or a squirrel as it please you. So having these people tell me that these demons are different than any other entity bothered me. You see their clearing for most entities is to ask “Who are you? Who were you before that? Who will you be in the future?” several times. For demons however, it is simply “Return from whence you came, never to return again.” over and over and over.
Almost nowhere else does Access Consciousness come from a place of no question, something this conclusive: “Yes, demons are bad, they are fucking with how we create reality, just clear them”. I mean the definition they use of total Consciousness is “where everything exists and nothing is judged.” So why are demons excluded from being offered a choice? Why can we not remind them “Hey guys, you know you’re vibrational beings, right? You know you have total choice, remember? You have free will. I don’t care who told you you didn’t. He’s probably dead or so buried in unawareness he can barely think; he’ll never know you quit your job. You don’t have to do this crap anymore. Would you like to do something different? Would you like to do something that creates joy for you and for the world? I’m not going to tell you what to do! I’m asking you: Truth, What would give you Joy?”
Now I know how the Access founders do things: they follow the energy. Yeah, while I do see a lot of annoying followers hopping around calling themselves Facilitators and selling things, I do believe that the core members of this group have really got it going on. I haven’t been to more than a Bars class, and this is one of the reasons: the people I really want to meet are the ones who are the busiest and most in demand, and their classes have multiple prerequisites and their one-on-one sessions are a little outside the budget I’m currently willing to put towards this (and it’s not my priority to meet them; i got bigger fish to fry). Anyway reigning in the digression: these people would not come to this *conclusion,* if it is that, lightly, or rather it would only be from a place of energetic lightness (the opposite-of-heavy kind, not the opposite-of-dark kind) and not from a place of limitation that they would describe demons this way. I actually think that their use of the word goes back to what I was saying before: people identify something as a demon, and they are totally on board with getting rid of it as fast as possible. It is an oversimplification of what these things are on purpose – in order to get the most out of using Access tools, you’re going to have to get that unawareness, that anticonsciousness, that stupidity that’s been building up all of your lifetime(s) out of your way. That’s what Access is all about is shoveling the shit off of you that keeps you from being Awake and Aware and choosing from energy and magic instead of creating the same crap over and over. And to do that, you gotta clear these things that are helping you create anticonsciousness, so they’re gonna use the universal term for “bad entities” = demons!
I keep searching for and occasionally finding tantalizing tidbits about what Access people have discovered about other entities, fairies and the like. But at the same time I find stuff like Gary’s acronym for a person (embodied this time) who just enjoys making other people miserable: “Evil Little F**k” or ELF! So I find myself alternately interested to find out what awareness they’ve gathered around fantastic beings, and totally put off by their disrespect towards fantastic beings! It’s like, do you believe or don’t you believe, make up your mind! Either elves are a real race of creatures who are no more good or bad than humans, or it’s just an acronym for mean people, you can’t have it both ways. (Now if you want to call them Intentionally Intensely Malicious Pricks, I am okay with them being IMPs. Much more befitting).
In truth, I think demons, real demonic entities, are in fact just like other entities. They are not alien to this reality or our section of the Multiverse if you will, and they aren’t dead set on doing nasty things – even non-demon entities can be tasked with jobs they don’t want or don’t enjoy, and this is part of what Talk to the Entities teaches is how to remind them that they don’t have to do that, remind them they have choice and help them get free (same as all of Access does for human-bodied-people). So if these things creating anticonsciousness aren’t actually demons, what are they?
And then i had a *DING* (that’s called Awareness by the way) and remembered something:
Do you remember as a kid (if you’re my age or younger) watching The Neverending Story? Sure you remember the flying dog dragon and the brave Indian boy and the shy, nerdy kid drawing unicorns in his notebooks in school. I personally remember the school attic full of strange things, and the dark school hallways as the teachers leave but he stays into the stormy night. But do you remember the Theme of the story, the meaning behind it all: Fantasia has no boundaries, for it is the world of human dreams and imagination. And what was the villain, the overarching force trying to destroy it?
*The Nothing*
bingo! The Nothing is EXACTLY what Access is describing!
BTW your trivia tidbits for today: #1 The Neverending Story (German: Die unendliche Geschichte) is a German fantasy novel by Michael Ende that was first published in 1979. The standard English translation was first published in 1983. The movie came out shortly thereafter. (PS: I was born in 1982) #2 Gary Douglas didn’t start Access until 1990, though he’s been aware that there should be a different way of doing things in this world his whole life – I wonder if Gary has even seen NES? Surely he has, his stepdaughter Shannon is right around my age! But the expression of this force as The Nothing possibly predates even his Bars invention.
For those who haven’t seen it or cannot remember, The Nothing was more than just a vast storm and emptiness: it was all the mundanity and banality of the human world that suppresses and erases imagination and dreams, it is disbelief and despair. Though I haven’t read the book, even more of its effects are described:  Every Fantasian that it erases gets turned into lies and deceits that manifest in the normal world (http://villains.wikia.com/wiki/Nothing_%28The_Neverending_Story%29)
Now to me, the Nothing would not be an entity – like the Rockbiter said “even a hole would be something, but this was nothing.” I don’t know about you, but a vast force of nothingness was a pretty daunting concept for me to face as i was first thinking of this. How do you clear something that has no-thing to clear? But then I remembered a great capacity that I and all humans have and use all the time: Anthropomorphic Personification! (If you say it out loud, it kinda sounds like a Harry Potter spell😀 but you don’t need a wand to swish around and as you probably know, you can do it way faster than you can say it.)
So if i can talk to Dream himself looking like lovely Morpheus, the Sandman, or Solar City can make commercials with the Sun god Ra in the form of the Egyptian god Horus, or I can get a glimpse now and then of Darkness himself taking a shadowy form for a moment before he laughs at me and uncreates himself again, then I can totally handle this. I can take the vasty Nothingness and shatter it in to a gazillion little Nothings and gladly dispel them return from whence you came never to return to me my body my mind my reality or any reality i am allied with ever again for all eternity
So whether you’re okay with just dispelling demons without question, whether you see demons as servants of the Nothing (which honestly why would they do that, for if we had no imagination, then we would cease to imagine the monsters too), or whether you like talking to the natural demonkind and, like me, prefer to make those breeders of anticonsciousness into The Nothings, I hope you won’t base your opinion of the Access people on all the stuff they put out to deal with the mundane world and its stupidities before you get a chance to explore their deeper understanding (and your own!) of the workings of entities, magic, other lifetimes, and worlds beyond worlds that we know.
I also had a thing this morning that I thought I would share (though I know this is getting to be one of those super long blogs I do) because it seems pretty relevant to me:
So I had a dream or series of dreams this morning in which a faceless entity appeared, first as a solid silhouette of a person running right at me, then as a young man costumed as Slender Man and then as a ghost trying to work maliciousness on me, all faceless as I said. Eventually I woke up and realized this was one creature coming back and trying to get my attention over and over. So I started talking to it, asking questions, like I would for any entity or character in a story or personification etc. What I came around to was first “So are you a Nothing who wants to be a Demon?” which felt a little light (“yes”) but then I was like “Oh wait! Are you a Demon who’s been made into a Nothing?” and that felt like a much bigger Yes. I came to an awareness through this: Where was this “demons” term created and used by the people drawing in the nothings  to say, hey, if we call them demons people will make more of them . People will expect the demonkind to do what the nothings do . People will command the demonkind to do what the nothings do . And then the demons will get confused as who is which , and not only does it take away the power and knowing and awareness of the human-bodied-people , it also takes away the natural powers and potency of the demonkind!
And one more thing (last one i promise and i may do a whole blog on this later) Access Consciousness has a tool they use, something anyone can ask for to reach for a better vibration: “Universe, show me something beautiful.” My question to you is, maybe the demonkind are the universe trying to show you something beautiful, but it’s darkly beautiful and people have too many points of view around what beauty is and can be and cannot be. What would it be like if we acknowledged Darkness and demons for the beauty of the universe they truly be?
And references: There is so much free stuff from Access, I am telling you Go Hunting on google on youtube on soundcloud on facebook everywhere to see who and what you find. And yeah, you’re gonna find fluffy bunnies and you’re gonna find trolls too (and I don’t mean the kind that live peacefully under bridges and eat the occasional goat). Keep digging for the good stuff, it’s worth it.
TTTE: http://talktotheentities.com/audio-video/ For demon info, you can go to the June 13, 2013 call, but I totally recommend listening to all of them.
Online Radio Shows: http://www.accessconsciousness.com/content85.asp
Clips, clearings & classes: https://soundcloud.com/access-consciousness
Dain’s tour of consciousness tools: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE5FEF6B0DF20056E

Dear Prudence Lyrics Endarkened

February 9, 2016

dance to the magic

Just a bit of randomness to add to your day. I love the sound of this song, the way the Beatles recorded it. Something in the way the guitar is tuned perhaps? But it never put me in mind of sunny days and daisy chains. To me it’s more campfires and lightning bugs, stars and moon and crickets and whispering trees. So I tweaked it a little:

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the night’s display
The moon is up, sky midnight blue
It’s beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes
Dear Prudence, see the starry skies
The wind is high, the trees will sing
That you are part of everything
Dear Prudence, won’t you open up your eyes?

Look around round
Look around round round
Spin around

Dear Prudence, let me see you smile
Dear Prudence, crazy lady style
The Earth will be your dancing floor
So let me see you dance once more
Dear Prudence, won’t you let me see you smile?

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the night’s display
The moon is up, sky midnight blue
It’s beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?

I also wanted a hint of the arcane and magical in there (I always do) and so I also can see it as an invitation to a witches’ circle.
The illustration is from a meditation I did: stretching out your tentacles for magic and pulling energy from the whole universe, flowing it through you from all sides, from all sources, and contributing it to the earth.


Riding the Darkness

January 24, 2015
The Wild Hunt

The Wild Hunt: either go willingly, or be taken

So I ran with the moon, and I ran with the night, and the three of us were a terrible sight

— Emmylou Harris – Deeper Well


I realized, reading over my previous entries, that I have mentioned this difference in approaches to Life in Darkness before, whether one is Riding the Dark or being Ridden by it. Some of you may have immediately (or eventually) kenned what I was talking about, but I feel it is something that needs to be fleshed out in detail.

I must warn you, I do not claim to be an expert at Riding the Darkness. I’m still Seeking on my journey, and like any aspect of the journey of life, the further you travel on your path, the more you realize how deep the rabbit hole goes beyond your current point of experience.

So I’ve spoken about balance and personal responsibility before. Knowing how to be aware of what you’re doing (and keep yourself in check if needed) is a key point to Riding vs. being Ridden. But what is Riding really?

Riding the Darkness is all about

  • going deep into the spiritual experience of the Darker Self and/or the Darker World  (whether referring to an inner practice or going out for a more public, shared experience)
  • experiencing an intensity of energy
  • a fine balance between control and abandon, chaos and empowerment: You have the power to reign in the madness, but you don’t. You let it run rampant, and you feed on the resulting energy and excitement until…
  • you reach a point where you are satisfied and spent (somewhat like the climax of a sexual experience).

Now, when you are Ridden by the Darkness, then you also experience that chaos, energy and intensity, but you don’t have control, so the experience goes on far beyond your climax point. It rolls over you, drags you further than you wanted to go, tears into you, and it takes that energy you were just feeding on, that you were drawing up into your center and getting high on, and it drains all that energy away again and may even start feeding on you, your inner reserves of energy or life-force.

When being Ridden, you may even be feeling some remaining pleasure of a kind; or your mind is so far gone out away from logic and control and steadiness that you’ve gotten disoriented, don’t know how to right yourself; or maybe you’re even afraid, you believe that if you stop what’s going on, then what follows will be much worse. But for whatever reason, you are unable to say no, unable to halt the experience and step away to care for yourself, unable to stop for rest, recuperation, and to get back in balance.

What activity will give you an experience Riding the Dark?

Well for one thing, I am not the one to tell you personally where to go or what to do to have this experience. Each person has their own ways of finding pleasure and power. The kind of things that come to my mind as common examples of people having a Riding experience, especially in the Darker areas, might involve sex, risky adventure, chemical enhancement, or very intense spiritual ritual or experimentation. And let us not forget Art in all its forms of creativity, expression, and performance.

Religious practitioners might refer to it as “transcendence” although that may not be entirely accurate, as Riding the Darkness is often just as physical as it is spiritual (transcending is about getting away from and “above” the material and physical – I personally don’t discount physical as “lesser” though perhaps “slower”). Spiritual practices (ie meditation, rituals, whether solitary or group, dances, etc.) to me can be the purest kind of Riding, or alternately, other activities are enhanced to a much greater intensity by incorporating a spiritual aspect.

In terms of art, all forms of creative art or productive skills at a level where they become art, there are equally valuable internal and external experiences. Any performer can tell you about the rush of standing before an exhilarated crowd cheering you on. But there is also that space alone in the studio, at the easel, the computer, the soundboard, fingers on the strings, whatever: that place where the world falls away, where you even lose your sense of self, and you run on pure creation – being in The Zone.

People in the BDSM community talk about “subspace” – this is the kind of intense experience I’m referring to, but subspace is not the only type of intense sexual experience. On the same note, fetishes aren’t only about sex. Pain can create unexpected reactions, especially when you intentionally play with it, meaningfully push past “ow that hurt” and start to explore the different levels of pain and what they do to your mind and how your body reacts. Other fetishes don’t hurt (if they’re done right) but involve a lot of trust between participants. The point of fetish is to push yourself past normal experience, to bend your mind and your body to their limits, until you reach that point of extreme pleasure.

People into mind-altering substances are always looking for the best kind of trip, where the mind is released from its bounds, the body is filled with pleasure (or you transcend the body), the soul becomes more deeply connected to others around you or to the Collective Greater Universe.

And then there are things like extreme sports: it’s all about finding an exhilarating experience, feeling the vertigo, the rush, standing on the edge of danger, maybe even risking death, and then the sense of accomplishment that you reached this point through a great deal of training and effort and have achieved a successful experience.

*Art, sports, and transcendent practices aren’t necessarily Dark of course, but in some ways, anything outside of everyday mundane experience is touching on Darkness because it is abnormal. There’s any number of people out there who look at skydiving or rock climbing and say “oh gosh, I couldn’t do that, it’s too dangerous!” Their fear reaction is a sign that your hobby or passion is stepping over that line, better yet leaping far past that line, and that is a kind of Darkness: being on the fringes, living on the edge.

But Dark experiences are a little different – more on that later!

And also, on the other hand, maybe some people’s intense experience is to create the most excellent chocolate dessert, something that causes something like an orgasm in the mouth of the chocolate lover. Maybe it is driving all night, cross-country, sleeping in your car for an hour, and waking up in a new town. Maybe it’s building yourself a platform on your roof specifically for stargazing and imagining your life on the moon.

Riding the Dark can be about simply having too much of a good thing, but thoroughly enjoying it anyway, even in your overwhelmment.

Also, when I refer to Riding the Darkness, I usually am referring to individuals who tend to repeat these experiences intentionally. I’m sure there are many people who start off with one good experience, and when they try to repeat it, bad experiences follow.

So then what if you have a bad experience?

What if you go into deep trance, and something comes out of the abyss and spiritually eats you from the inside out?

Please, please do not let this color your expectations for any future meditations and practices.

What if you have a mental breakdown? What if part of your body is severely injured?

There’s the old adage about getting back on the horse, but this is frightfully shallow when speaking of experiences at this level of intensity.

There is a range past a certain point, where no matter what your activity was, whether it was more mental, more physical, more spiritual, the results of a bad experience, of being Ridden until you have had everything drained from you, will affect every part of your Self, material and immaterial.

So it is understandable that you do not want to feel that ever again.

It is understandable that, if you did try again, try to do better, you might find yourself in the same place again – because that first experience stands so prominent within your mind that you have real trouble escaping it. You have to escape or release it so that you can begin overwriting it with new powerful experiences.

But I say you have to look for that. You have to constantly reach for the point where you again have hold of the reins. Don’t stop riding full speed ahead out of fear that you will fall and be taken for a ride instead.

Having said that, another aspect too is the old 12 step thing – #1 you can’t help yourself until you admit you have a problem.

Now, I don’t like 12 steps in a lot of ways (your miles may vary), and the main thing being this particular step brings about a strong guilt reaction. It doesn’t matter if you made a mistake that caused the situation. Hanging on to guilt, blaming yourself, beating yourself up for whatever issues you have – this is not constructive, not healing.

But just as important, a wound won’t heal if you keep ripping it open repeatedly doing the same hurtful thing to yourself.

So yes, there’s a delicate balance between continuing to seek out powerful experiences and not running yourself through the ringer again and again. Always, one must have a lot of introspection, a lot of objective thinking, a lot of questioning “Is this really working for me? What could I do differently?”

Obviously, there are bad experiences similar to these that people have because they were being stupid: Playing at “dark” magic and doing a demon summoning ritual because you think it’s cool or you want to look like a badass: that’s a bad idea. And if it works, you are likely in for a bad experience. A simpler, more common example would be going to a party and getting smashed drunk, making your body purge itself all night and all the next day.

I don’t know that I would even call this being Ridden, because you probably didn’t reach that climax of the ideal energy. You probably never tapped into the energy. You just got f**ked up with only a minimal amount of pleasure.

People being truly Ridden by the Dark were probably seeking a real, powerful experience. Even a psychological alcoholic who consistently makes themselves sick by consumption, they seek some kind of escape or pleasure, and they may be an expert in drinking, not just a bingeing frat boy caught up in the chugging-contest culture.

However, I am not advocating overly-extreme caution. Moderation is not nearly the same thing as Abstinence. You can know or learn when to stop. You don’t have to deny yourself the experience of starting.

Riding the waves at the highest level of energy is what Life is supposed to be about: Experience and Expansion.

But how to make an ordinary experience into a Riding experience without being Ridden or just hurting yourself?

  • First thing, probably, is knowing your comfort zone. Everybody is comfortable with different things; don’t let anybody else tell you what’s vanilla and what’s edgy. You know how far you can go without feeling the slightest fear response in your gut, and you know when you start to feel that tingling of “this is IT – this is MORE!” And even past that, that point where you feel like you stand before a door, and on the other side of that door could be the lady or the tiger…or a weretiger…and it’s hungry.
  • Secondly, know your surroundings. Getting smashed drunk in a bar where you know no one, in a town where you have no friends or family, when you have no money for a cab – very bad idea. Likewise you would not practice parkour on an unsound building structure without at the very least checking out its weaknesses thoroughly first. You do not Open your Spirit without walking the bounds, preparing the space, casting the circle. If your experience is intentionally chaotic and doesn’t allow for a clear plan at the outset (most probably do allow for a loose plan) at least have a fail-safe, a safe-word, a DD or a guru, a friend who stays grounded and knows a good time to say “Hey, let’s take it down a notch.” If you can, have the setting of your experience be somewhere, not necessarily in your comfort zone of physical places, but that you are secure in some way, that you are not in danger from something breaking in from outside of your experience and intentions.
  • Have Respect: When riding a horse, you would respect that it is a living animal with its own desires and instincts. It can be very versatile and can direct itself to a large extent, but it can also react to situations with fear. When driving a car, you would respect that it’s a machine with the power to move a large amount of weight at very high speeds. It can be a highly efficient means of travel and transport, but it has no mind of its own and requires your input and skill to function correctly. The same sorts of things hold true for drugs, extreme sports equipment, altered states of mind, body and spirit, and other people involved in your experience. A carefully measured dosage of certain substances can expand the mind, enhance the senses and initiate great pleasure, but a careless overdose or over-use of the same substance can severely damage or destroy the mind and body, permanently.
  • You’re pushing the envelope, moving in leaps and bounds. You are not jumping off a cliff over jagged rocks before your wing-feathers have grown in. You don’t have to go where no one has gone before, you just let go of fear, release yourself, venture into the wilds of inexperience, uncertainty, and powerful learning Within Your Own Mind. And each experience doesn’t necessarily have to be some activity or ritual you never tried before – doing the same martial arts kick thousands of times will make you far more skilled than doing each kick and punch and flip only once. If anything, it is the practices that you have developed more skill with that you will be able to push yourself farther, relax your mind and your control, and slip into that headspace of Just Being, Just Doing.
  • Go where your Passion lies – You’re not likely to get off and have an amazing experience on something that’s “just not your thing.” I mean do try new things, always, as you never know what you will be passionate about before you try it. New things can be blow-you-away experiences, but are they still going to blow you away the tenth or twentieth time you dive in? Mix it up, your new things and your favorite things – even stepping away from an old favorite can rekindle passion for it and drive its value deeper.
  • There may be a few more points, but beyond that, it’s mostly up to your Mind and your Attitude. You will not be able to control every aspect, and if you try, that grasping at control will hold you outside of the Vortex of Experience. It will lock your mind into a fighting stance, when the best thing to do is relax, let the energy flow. Know where your balance point is, like a dancer, find a handhold or a place to plant your feet, then bend, twist, fold your mental state, let everything around you spin free, and go with it.

So far I’ve been referring mostly to specific individual experiences, but Riding the Darkness can also refer to an overall lifestyle. A new learner can have magical experiences, but a Master who takes their passion to a level where it is more than activity and becomes art, they have fantastic experiences often. And they live a life filled with great experience, and they even can share that energy with others by performing, leading or describing their experience to others, inspiring more people to learn and experience.

So most of this has been about Riding, but is it about Darkness?

This whole blog aims to create a general idea of the Higher Dark, so I am unsure that I can qualify for you as an individual what a Dark Ride would be, as opposed to a general Power Trip, if you will. But it may be important to state that even a person who is drawn to the Dark may not always be filled with Dark energy when on a Ride like this. I think in a lot of these cases, the Higher Dark and the Greater Light come naturally intertwined, and of course no experience or energy is going to be entirely one or the other, for that would be blindingly out of balance.

But some experiences will feel more haunting, bring more goosebumps and hairs on end, more resonating at the base of the spine or the depths of the gut…

…more the femme fatale striding by the men whose hearts pound of both desire and fear…

…more the ripple of fur and flexing claws as the predator scents its prey in the night…

In the heart of the Darkness, you may dance upon the Knife’s Edge of Life, feel it just barely breaking the skin on your toes, and you might like it, and you dance on, madly in love with your own blood.

But I hope it goes without saying: this is not the time to trip and fall.


You built yourself a World, now BE in it! (Part 3)

July 6, 2013
World Builder - walk in your own world

walk in your own world

The third step in creating your reality is actually a constant, continuous blend and balancing of the first two, making things real and making things not real. This is no one-time meditation, but the day-to-day practice of the principle.

– It’s about paying attention to your feelings with each task you do, each place you go or interaction you have. If something doesn’t feel right, make it unreal and replace it with a thought you prefer. Keep yourself from piling on weights of unwanted reality that drag your vibration down, and buoy yourself up with thoughts of your own real world over here inside your head.

– It’s about looking for your world within the outside world, learning how to see and not-see at the same time, which you have always done, but now you’re doing it intentionally and directionally. Good things surround you, and have always surrounded you, you just change your vibration, your mood, your thoughts, so that you can see them, and not see anything you don’t feel is good.

– It’s about “being here now,” only “here” is deep inside you. Remember, there is no “then” or “later” there is only “now” Don’t think in terms of “I’ll have that in my life later” because you never get to later. You have to make Now, inside your mind and out, what you want it to be.

– And some of it, I’ve found, is not having a pinned-down idea of exactly what has to happen to make you happy. Your goal is to Be Happy, regardless of the circumstances. Happiness is not writing or making comics or traveling or having sex or decorating your house or any actual activity or object: happiness is a state of being that makes all of that easy to attain, that makes what some people perceive as work into something that is clearly play, and yet at the same time is highly productive.

You won’t build your whole ideal world in one sitting: on the contrary you will be constantly building it, never “finished,” because as you walk through your daily actions, you will see things that will make you say: “oh that, there: that’s real. I want that!” or you will find thoughts that you realize you don’t want, and you’ll shift your focus, realize how unreal that is, and make up something the opposite that is real.

And there are thoughts you have to get used to not ever having. I’ve already talked about how you can’t follow the old logic or so-called “common sense,” but also, you can’t second-guess yourself, can’t give in to doubts:

Stopping your new reality’s momentum to say “Is this really what I want? Is this the best/fastest/right way to go about it? What if I get it and I’m not happy with it?” is only going to hold you back from finding out the answer to that very question. Just remind yourself that you’re constantly traveling through life. So if you get what you’ve been asking for, and find out it ain’t all that, oh well. Just look around, be happy, and soon something else will come into your perception. Think of it as trying on different clothes. When you’re shopping, you try on different things to see what you like. With Life, if one set of circumstances doesn’t turn out, just go through the process again and change or add to what you already got. Life is an adventure: there are no wrong turns, only alternative paths that offer different experiences that you would not have otherwise had.

On a larger scale, don’t think that “If everybody practiced this rejecting reality thing, everything would go wrong because nobody would do the stuff nobody likes but has to be done. Nobody would go to work. Nobody would pay their debts. People would run amok!”

This is not a real thought.

It comes from conditioning that there will always be a time that you have to buckle down and do something you don’t want to. What you really need to do is change your perception of something being undesirable to do… I’ll come back to that later.

And not everybody in the world has to be doing this process in order for you to have your ideal life.

Here’s where you have to dismantle a big ol’ idea, an assumption that comes with the words “making a perfect world”: that you’re responsible for the way the rest of the world is run. No, you are here for you. That’s it. Everyone else is their own individual responsibility.

So, you go ahead and decide your ideal world inside your mind has no war, no discrimination, no bad economy, whatever. This will make it so you never have to go to war, never are discriminated against, and never feel shortage. But do not give yourself the disappointment that if there’s a war going on somewhere on the planet that your ideal has not come true. You can’t manifest other people’s realities for them (that would be rude, if you could), you can only get out of that reality yourself. Then you have every reason to be happy that there is one more person vibrating on the highest level, and better yet, that person is you!

(There’s whole chapters about this in the Abraham-Hicks books, so in the interest of not making this blog longer than it already is, I’ll let you figure all that out elsewhere).

I’m gonna go over several thoughts and tactics I have discovered since my last entry, so bear with me if I ramble and bounce back and forth a bit:

1) Everywhere, anywhere you go, you know that your Higher Self is in agreement with the Universe that only experiences you desire will come your way.

Letting worried thoughts into your mind in order to “be aware” of possible danger or the chance of doing something wrong is not going to help you. These worries will crowd out your ideals, pull your focus away from your goal.

For example, I like to go walking alone in the park or go out to the weekend arts fairs in the area. Being alone, or even in a crowd, I sometimes get this nagging voice at the back of my head that I should watch out, that someone could easily nab me. Even thinking what I’d do to get away from them doesn’t make me feel much better.

So I use this idea, at those times, that the Universe and I have an agreement, and that nothing that bad is part of the agreement, not even anything so bad as someone pick-pocketing my purse, and therefore isn’t something I should be worrying about. Sure I can easily snap my purse closed, but I won’t beat myself up for forgetting to do so. Saying “What if somebody did this or that” does not make me feel good, and it’s not something I want to be real, so why put that in my reality, even the possibility of that happening? I can also snap my purse closed to keep stuff from falling out of it, and not bother myself thinking on any other reason.

2)  I’ve been working on, as I’ve been arranging and cleaning my new apartment, paying attention to the feelings I have about chores and getting myself to do them: I sometimes have this feeling/thought of “I don’t want to do that”

I’ve come to realize it’s just an ingrained thought:

there’s dirty dishes = I don’t want to wash dishes

and sometimes it applies to things I definitely want to be doing but have become “like work”:

I have free time for writing –> I don’t feel like it right now

Obviously, my true desire is to have a clean house, and beyond obvious is my desire to work on art and writing all the time.

There are many things I have this reaction to, like exercise, cooking, sorting out papers and financial stuff, etc, etc. It’s not a matter of reasoning with myself, because this isn’t coming from my rational mind. It’s a conditioning I’ve created (I guess from times when I was doing these things under perceived duress:

dishes > parents assigning me chores as a kid

exercise > mandatory PE classes

working on artwork > trying to finish art school projects on a deadline)

So even if there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing, even if I have a very rational argument with myself trying to convince myself to do these things, I still feel that aversion, which can get the better of me, because it is what I’m feeling right there in that moment of decision and action.

So rather than pushing against these “I don’t want to” feelings, since all they are is feelings, I need to change how I think and feel about these things. When I start thinking about what needs to be done today, and there are certain things on the top of the list have a reaction in my mind of “I don’t feel like doing that,” then I stop, examine those feelings, then change them, telling myself “Actually, I DO WANT to do that, and I really would prefer to do it right now.” And then I do the thing, and it’s done, and I can go on to the next thing. I don’t put things off (as often) and my house and mind aren’t cluttered with unfinished projects (as much).

In the case of artwork, it’s not the actual doing of it that is hard (most of the time), but the getting started: sitting at the computer, bringing up the file, and putting down that first word (or beginning the editing progress of the 5000 words I wrote before). Once I’ve begun looking at and thinking about that story/art piece, then doing what I know needs to be done next is no problem, I dive right in and can stick with it for hours without effort.

3) I got this great quote on a bookmark from author James A. Owen at the Phoenix ComicCon:

“Never, ever, sacrifice what you want the most for what you want the most at that moment.”

I have used this for decisions ranging from deciding to start writing rather than watching one more episode of QI (writing wins!) to whether to take the optional overtime day to make a little extra money instead of staying home and doing artwork and cleaning house (artwork wins! house benefits by association).

Truly there are desires and there are Desires. There are fun activities and then there are Dreams and Aspirations. Most big Desires are things that take a long series of small actions to fully achieve: one does not write a novel, much less publish it, on a whim in a couple of hours on a sleepy Saturday morning. If I want my chosen reality to happen faster, if I want to be a well-known writer sooner rather than later, I need to be doing what writers do, as often as possible. That doesn’t mean I should never go out walking or hang out with friends or watch an episode or two of QI, because those things do raise my vibration, or better yet, conform to other desires: companionship, exercise, and even QI is good for building a little knowledge around the edges. But on the whole, since my greatest goal is not to surround myself constantly with friends or to have the ideal body, but it is to spread my stories around the world for many others to read and to spend a large percentage of my time making up stories and other activities related to that, I really ought to be already doing so every day.

4) Sometimes it is about more than just being happy: the Desire is to be in a state of what I call having your Brain On Fire:

Sometimes I have to remember why I’m here, why I’m doing artwork, why I am a writer: It’s not to get famous, be admired, or make money (I’d like to have money, it doesn’t necessarily have to come from the products of my creativity). Some of it is to realize these characters, to express and tell their stories.

But the TRUTH is it is about getting that feeling of My Brain on Fire, that buzz of creation and creativity.

My stories and visions do this for me, and sometimes my costumes, and sometimes great conversations with really cool people. That is why I want these things, because I want this electric hyperconnectivity to Source. All of this must come from the Fire to start with, and the more my Brain is On Fire the more brilliant ideas I get for my stories, artwork, home, fun and life.

Art does not make me excited, excitedness makes me art.

So when it comes time to work on my creative arts, or any pursuit, the first thing to do is to get myself into that feeling of fire and excitement, rather than depend on the activity itself to excite me as I start working on it. Working from a dull or frustrated mood will only be working against myself: even the writing itself will come out hesitant or bland. But working from that place of Fire to start with, the work not only comes out good, but comes as easy as breathing, and I feel as energized as lightning, because the feeling just builds on itself.

5) Another thing that helps, that Abraham recommends in various forms, is to get away from it all. If you can remove yourself from resistant thoughts and patterns, your vibration will naturally rise. When your vibration rises, the things you have working on manifesting automatically are attracted in your direction, because you’re aligned and allowing.

It’s hard to get out of resistance, as all this rambling of mine is about, but you can find ways to stop thinking about much of anything, so that you can naturally reconnect to Source.

Lately, here in the Valley of the Sun, I have found the only thing to do outside in the summer is go swimming. But I’ve always found that I really don’t like getting pool water in my eyes or nose. Solution: goggles, a nose clip, and while we’re at it, earplugs.

Thank the Goddess for earplugs! Not only do they keep from getting water in your ears, which is not good for assorted reasons, but they also block out sound: the pool I’m swimming in is smack dab in the middle courtyard of my apartment building, surrounded by all the apartment doors. People come and go constantly, talking on their cell phones, fussing at their kids, or worse, arguing, and this chatter and slamming of doors is in addition to the farther off sounds of traffic and airplanes from the nearby Sky Harbor. This does not give me a zen moment.

But with our blessed earplugs, I get nothing but the ripple of water and the sound of my own breath in and out of my mouth. I am in my own little world, mistress of the brilliant blue, dancing in and out between the water and the air, sitting on the bottom of the pool watching the bubbles I make whorl up to the rippling surface.

And the real beauty of all this is I’m not thinking about anything but swimming. I am no human girl but a wild mermaid or naiad. And afterward I come back to my other reality, even my chosen reality, refreshed, and everything is both comfortable and in some ways all new to me again.

So in conclusion to these three long entries (although there will be similar entries in the future, I think: I want to go in to that Brain On Fire thing a lot more):

Use your imagination like a GPS, and remember, it doesn’t tell you all the directions at once. Just trust it to tell you to turn when you’re supposed to, and remember this isn’t a human-programmed computer. This guide is programmed by your higher self, who can see and know everything you don’t, who is always in your Vortex.

The next now, and all future nows, are determined by you. Your responsibility, and your power, is your perception, your Belief.


Building Inner Reality (Part 2)

November 1, 2012
build from your body, mind, heart and soul

build from your body, mind, heart and soul

Break down, break up, burst your bubble, tear down the wall, let it all fall down. When you find unhelpful ideas crowding up your mind and boxing in your reality, you must remove them. Make them Not-Real.

But then what? We all need to have something that is real to believe in. Again it comes back to perception of reality, or that reality is only perception.

A lot of positive thinking writers will tell you that your mind cannot tell the difference between what you’re thinking and what you’re experiencing. This is only partially true. What you experience is what you feel that you experience. For instance, you go to a scary movie: it makes you jump or scream or makes your skin crawl. But then the lights come up, you walk out of the theater, and you’re fine. You know it wasn’t real. Same thing with an adventure movie: the hero goes around swashing & buckling and gutting badguys left and right: they never show you the evil minion’s family weeping over their graves. Because you don’t wish to perceive that as you’re watching the story.

So most people, at a young age, learn to make a distinction between reality and fiction or imagination. Now, you still take certain ideas away with you from a story, some of which are inspiring, like good always triumphs over evil, and others are not helpful, like the handsome hero gets the girl while the quirky sidekick, well, gets all the good lines.

Other mental stories take place in dreams, which are a bit harder to shake. When you’re in the dream, it is real, no matter how little sense it makes. After you wake up, you feel like, well of course that wasn’t real, it had nowhere near the sharpness and depth of reality (at least that’s how I find it), but still those events that occurred in your dream linger, shadowing over the days that follow.

So when you first begin thinking positive and building manifestations, you can, of course, imagine all kinds of things. But the difficult part is believing those things, making them exist for you here and now, making them replace what you perceive that has already manifested. I can’t tell you exactly how to do it either, except that it is much easier when those new ideas are not in conflict with old ideas.

So look at your old beliefs and at your physical reality. Pay attention to how you feel, what it’s like to see things and know things, emotionally, how “realness” feels.

Then do something to get yourself away from those old things: stare at a wall or a candle flame or a blank Word document (seriously). Go outside and stare at the sky or a bare patch of ground. Or just close your eyes and look at the colors behind them. Do this so you are not distracted and so you’re kind of in a trance state, almost dreaming, the better to enter that state of dream reality.

And turn your thoughts to your desires. Take that feeling of realness and feel it about those new thoughts. Stop hoping they will be, or wishing or wanting, and know that they are a part of your life already.

Much like a movie director, you are the one deciding what the audience (also you) is going to see and experience. Some of the more “artsy” directors like to do “reality” films, where they just run about filming any series of events that becomes available. I don’t know about you, but those aren’t the kind of movies I like to watch. No, for me it is the carefully tailored storytelling, very often that which has the kind of characters that you love so much that you don’t care if you know how it’s going to end.

Not sure what to believe? Believe whatever makes you feel most happy, most joyful, most empowered and free. Whatever gets that vibration of your heart, mind and soul amped up to pure positive power!

Going back to the Matrix: don’t go breaking down reality only to put yourself in a broken-down reality. You don’t have to Awaken into an underworld where the free people live like strays, only ever fighting or partying. And you don’t have to bend physics to stop bullets.

Why? Because it’s not in your Vortex* of creation that you wish to be shot at. You wish to walk the streets at night, so safe that the only time you look over your shoulder is to get a better look at something cool you just walked past.

I do not believe in selling your ideals short. I don’t go in for the semi-zen less-is-more, live a simple life, minimalist bullshit. Life and luxury and technology are out there to be experienced. And don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t set your expectations too high so as to prevent disappointment; as far as I can see, you’ll be disappointed by settling for less, because it won’t satisfy (and disappointment, after all, is only an emotional response, something you can un-realize). If we can manifest anything by our thoughts, then, as the space pirate said, I can imagine quite a lot. I know I will never be happy settling for less than my what I truly want, so I won’t waste my time trying to align with that.

Of course, I know what I want, and it’s not a big mansion with a pool, not fifty sports cars or a humongous yacht (although I might like a private jet, but I think you can rent those). Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with such ideas, just that I’d personally prefer a stylish city loft, my current baby Saturn S1 in top shape, and the freedom to go and do all kinds of things.

Keep in mind you don’t have to know how things are going to work out before you start building your reality, how that gap between the present physical manifestation and the reality in your mind is going to close. Just know where you want your end point to be, and be there, make that where you live, all the time every day.

Live in your own reality, inside your mind, where you have everything you desire, want for nothing, do only what you love, and appreciate everything and everyone around you.


More next week on integrating the inner and outer realities.

*The Vortex is an Abraham-Hicks concept. Basically it is everything you’ve ever desired collected together, ready to manifest as you align with it. There’s a book of that title, by Esther & Jerry Hicks, if you want to know more about it. There are also a good many YouTube videos of Abraham speaking, although not all were posted by the Hicks, so they get taken down periodically.

PS: pardon the fact that this entry did not come out a week after the first one. I abruptly found myself in need of other lodgings, which I found (Yay!) and was without internet for some time, which I now have (Yay!). I will try to do better, or otherwise I’ll stop promising specific times for posting.😉