I write this blog about the Higher Dark as a distinction from other things. I don’t believe I’ve written about the Bottom dark before, not directly if I have. I didn’t even call it the Bottom before now. I just knew what it was.
I guess it seemed to me we would all know what that is. We all know evil when we see it, really see it. We all know how the depths of self destructive thoughts feel. We know what most people mean when they say “darkness” or talk about black energy and black clouds in meditations and rituals. We know the symbolism.
By talking about the Higher Dark, I am not refuting the other kind, the Bottom. I know it. I’ve seen it. It’s in the news every day, and yet it’s also not in the news because it’s so constant that the media has gotten bored with it. Bombings, slavery, starvation, disease, widespread terrorism, rape, murder, genocide. The day to day drama of politics and social justice just gets better ratings. A few hundred people dead in another country doesn’t make good clickbait.
And why would it? We don’t like to think about that stuff. We want to close our eyes, put our fingers in our ears, and sing LALAALALALALA whenever we’re faced with it. It’s bad. We know it. It’s painful and it makes us feel powerless.
But we’re just sticking a smiley face sticker over our dashboard lights. There’s bad shit out there. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. And knowing that we are purposefully ignoring it won’t make us feel better.
Let me tell you about something that happened to me in college. I was a senior, living alone in my on-campus apartment, so it’d be about 2003 or ’04. Oh, and please read the entire article before you go trying this…please…I know I already said that, but for real, please…
I woke up in the middle of the night, seemingly for no reason. It was dark, of course, but I often found my dark rooms a pleasant, peaceful space. In bed, I had this feeling come over me. It was like a big hole in me, going down and through me and out my back and stomach and continuing down and down into forever. It was utterly black.
I felt the sense of a Black Dragon, an elemental entity, not nearby but fully in me, mind, spirit, etc.
I chose to become the Black Dragon.
I slithered out of my bed, hands first to the floor. I crawled around on the floor, feeling the sinews of my body, serpentine movements with my spine. I believe I walked on the balls of my feet, not my knees, and I snarled at the world around me, my fingers claws. I don’t think I even thought about a tail or wings or anything, it wasn’t about playing a character. I was in it. Being it. It was like putting on a skin, but it was also becoming the thing, aware only of its, my, desire.
It desired to destroy.
The part of me that was still me calmly but quickly assessed that desire to destroy and figured out something I could break. I crawled into the living room and got one of my cheap plastic mechanical pencils I used for sketching all the time. And I brought it back beside my bed and, kneeling on the floor, proceeded to tear it into as many pieces as I could with my bare hands.
After that, my memory’s a bit fuzzy, but I know basically that I stepped back out of the dragon and I kind of set it aside. I made it not significant, though I didn’t have the Access terminology at the time to say that’s what I was doing – I didn’t allow it to be a big deal, a thing more powerful than me, not even something to be afraid of per say. But I knew I did not like it, I did not want it around me, I certainly didn’t want to act on it. So I put it in a cage, I locked it away, and I put it in the deep dungeons of my mind.
If you encounter the Black Dragon yourself, I don’t recommend this final bit. Don’t lock it up. I’ll come back to that in a minute. Also, if you’re not adept at stepping away from, let’s say, “costuming” yourself as an entity, role-playing a thing and then being able to switch to another thing or back to you easily, probably don’t want to do the first part either. If you make any kind of entity bigger or more powerful than you on a regular basis, probably need to work on that before you mess with this thing, because he is nasty.
Most entities I can talk to, banter with, negotiate with, throw ideas at them for them to think about. This thing, the Black Dragon, he don’t think. He don’t got no brain. I’d call it a lizard brain, but that would be an insult to toitles, boop noodles, and scaly girls and boys of all varieties.
Looking at this entity now, and I knew some of this then too, in the back of my head – in case you haven’t noticed, nearly everything on this blog is intuition – I can say that he is a creation of humans. We didn’t do it intentionally, not like we did with Sekhmet or the Midgard Serpent, making up stories about what happens when the world ends or everyone gets killed off by the gods or just the natural cycles of time and nature. No, this guy just happened, was just built up over time.
To you, it may not be a dragon (why it is to me I dunno – I like dragons, much the same as I like darkness, and it takes some really good writing for me to like a story that has mean, nasty, beastlike or otherwise always evil dragons instead of clever, wise dragons who could be any alignment on the chart) – it may be a nameless, formless force. It may be ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD (actually I think the street cleaners are closer); it may not even be black, it could be the Crimson King or the King in Yellow, but I think all of those are more defined, some of them having motivations and goals beyond only destruction. As I was thinking on this, I got back on the Nothing from Neverending Story. I’ve done clearings for the Nothing, or the *Nothings* which to me are what other people mean when they say “demons.” It’s close, but the Nothing seems more passive; it doesn’t feel nearly as violent as the Black Dragon. The Nothing overwhelms, it is emptiness – The Black Dragon actually terrorizes.
How or why, if there is a why, did we create the Black Dragon? What is it?
Firstly, there is a type of Destruction that leads to something new. There is the dissolution and liquidation of a business that isn’t doing well so that the people in it can move on to better jobs, start new companies with new ideas. There is the way that an animal dies, is decomposed, and becomes soil for the plants. Perhaps even the way one cracks an egg to make an omelette, the way your teeth grind your food into a pulp so you can digest it, the way that calories are “burned” to supply our bodies physical energy. Of all the processes that make daily life possible, many of them involve essentially destruction of one thing in order to move the resources to a different form and create something else.
That’s not the kind of Destruction I’m talking about.
I’m talking about when we humans commit wanton destruction. And then we become aware of what we did. But to avoid our shame, we run away and do something fun. But then that creates more destruction, and we become aware of that too until we cannot run away. And we look at what the worst examples of humanity are doing. And we look at the worst things that almost every human does every day, especially the ones in our own country, our own city, our own neighborhood, and ourselves, and we flounder as to how we can possibly stop it. And the only thing we can think of is the quick and dirty solution: destruction of ourselves. We see the destruction and how it hurts everyone around us, and we begin to destroy ourselves, inside, then outside, then suicide, then genocide.
Most of us don’t act on it, but it grinds at us, the belief in it is implanted, and by believing it, we actualize it in passive ways. We create a consensus among us that maybe the human race shouldn’t survive. And then there are the ones who do bite down on the entire hook – they may destroy themselves, and they may take others down with them. I am a human, humans are evil, evil must be destroyed, therefore I must be destroyed and all humans with me.
And that’s only those of us with empathy.
The others are the hungry, greedy, needy, starving for power and control, never fed, never done, on top of shaky towers. They are dead set against everyone else, all they see is the need, the game, the fight, survival but in a totally different jungle than we will be in when they strip the earth of all it has, when they eat their own. They are already cannibalizing all other humans to become “higher” in the ranks, to achieve the one percent. They will not listen, I fear…
…Maybe the empathy ones will – they need hope, it may break the cycle…
That is the essence of the Black Dragon. It’s that thought of: maybe the right thing to do is just die. And it isn’t even that we think about what would happen afterwards, how things would get better. It’s just something that we deserve for being evil. It is a punishment without redemption or forgiveness.
The Dragon itself, the one that I encountered and crawled around in for a while, it doesn’t really think about it that way. Like I said, it doesn’t really think much at all. But it feeds on this mentality and simultaneously also feeds this mentality, being a catalyst for more and more destructive and self-destructive behavior. Unlike the Nothing, it doesn’t grow bigger and bigger. What it does is drives its way through us, invades us, cuts away at our love and our strength and our confidence and our hope with all its spikes and claws and teeth of utter black. It leaves us with nothing but pieces, which remind us of what we had or could have had but is now gone.
See why I don’t want you letting this thing take you over unless you know how to step out of it?
Back then I was, of course, younger. I was not immersed in the “real” world as much. I’d worked summer jobs, but nothing full time. I lived with my mom and only had maybe one credit card. I was driving a car I bought from my mom’s friend for less than $1000. And I knew, just knew, that my future was bright and I would get everything I intended to have because I had done everything I was supposed to do to get it. I’d find a great job, I’d move to California or somewhere cool like that, meet my One True Love, write my books and maybe even get a little famous and a good, healthy sort of rich.
Yes, wasn’t I adorable? Fucking adorable. I’ll spare you all the details of where I am now, but you know the drill. You know how adulting goes.
Playing with entities and energies was sometimes easier at that time. I was able to get distance on them easily, to know where I stood and who I was as a being. Now, as I am immersed and surrounded by worry and stress, need and want, and a looming sense of that paradigm shift that seems less every day like a transcendent enlightenment and more an apocalypse, it’s a little harder for me to see where I end and everyone else’s projections, expectations, judgments, rejections, and fears begin. The entity I’m referring to feels less like a Black Dragon and more like that ever seeping, ever creeping nameless, shapeless force.
So how do we Deal with this Thing?
Like I said, locking it up is not the way to go. It may contain it for a while. It is an acknowledgment that this is not a thing you want to become, that you desire to do better than all of that. It is purposefully reaching for hope and possibility, and that is a good choice. However, locking something away is not getting rid of it. Putting a skeleton in your closet is still keeping it in your house. What happens when somebody opens the door? You know what happens when somebody opens the door to the Black Dragon’s cage, and you know what the keys to that door are. You know what triggers you, and you know what conditions make you more and more likely every day to get triggered, to have had enough, to get really pissed off. Maybe you’re lucky and the Dragon hasn’t really gotten all the way out yet, but you’ve thought about it, haven’t you? What would you do, if you really let the evil within you get loose?
Well, the key to all things we created as a group is to get more and more people aware of it and changing that belief.
The cannibals, the psychopaths, who knows, they can only eat themselves – maybe… How do you get someone out of a cycle when they got into it by talking themselves into their own righteousness and superiority, by convincing themselves they deserve it all more than anyone else, that lying and twisting the truth is the way to earn better than all the others – how do they believe so hard?
The only way you get them is by lying to them, making them think they’ll get what they want – they don’t want awareness, they think they know, and part of it is they are aware – aware that the ladder they’ve climbed is made of bodies still dripping with blood, but they think it’s just The Ladder, the only one. That ladder is visible to the empaths, and they cry as they climb it, and either they overcome it and die inside, or they throw themselves from it.
I don’t want to throw myself off and I don’t want to die; I’d prefer to have another way up the wall.
I’d prefer to knock the wall down – no holds barred between me and nature and magic and being and hope for all things – Everybody Lives! in one form or another.
I can have it, I can create it, I am willing, and being above the dragon, defeating it, is about that, having another way, asking, choosing, creating elseways. Turn and get off the path we built and go off track, make anew the ways and meaning of life. And don’t blow the world up in the process, guys, okay?
Maybe the environment would technically be better off without most of us humans. I am fully aware that we are overpopulated, and the US especially is over-consuming resources on top of our population. I’m not talkin’ about technicalities. Not talkin’ about science. I’m talkin’ about energy. I’m talking about ideas, feelings, thoughts and emotions and what drives them from the back end.
So let go of the idea that destruction is the solution. Even if you don’t think you ever believed that, where did you buy that maybe sometimes, some people made a good point about that, that maybe humans can be the worst creatures on on earth and might deserve punishment, maybe not you personally, but THEM whoever them is for you? Will you Uncreate all of that? Right and wrong, good and bad, POD and POC, all nine, shorts boys, and beyonds?
Certainly there are things we should destroy and uncreate, habits, projections, definitions of ourselves, definitions of others, conclusions that keep us running in circles. But that’s not the same as obliterating ourselves in pain and punishment, lashing out at others with concocted hate built from a muddle of frustration and projection. Will you Uncreate all of that? Right and wrong, good and bad, POD and POC, all nine, shorts boys, and beyonds?
Remember that uncreating and destroying in this sense is not fighting against something. We are not going out into glorious and horrible battle against a great monster. We do not strike it, we do not scream at it, we do not burn or impale it. No, we abandon it, we let it starve. We take our belief from it, take our energy out of it, and we put that energy into a creation of our True Desires instead. We work toward a future of our creation, not one we want to run away from. We bring about something better.
We cannot begin to build anew and change and grow until we lift the crushing weight of blame, shame, regret and guilt that we put on ourselves. We can own what we’ve done, and then change, and we need to be clear and strong to be able to allow drastic change, to adapt and flex and be creative, to acknowledge that things will never be the same as they were before, and we should stop idealizing what came before. We can receive the Earth again and receive the changes that are coming in the climate, man-made or otherwise, with a desire to be more in touch with her. We can receive each other without labels, without judgments, our only demands for equality and understanding, to receive everything we’ve worked for with open arms.
What invention of blame, shame, regret, and guilt, anger, rage, fury, and hate, business, doubt, relationship, and fear, life, living, death, and reality am I using to create the Black Dragon of Destruction am I choosing? I destroy and uncreate all that now and down through the ages right and wrong good and bad pod and poc all nine shorts boys and beyonds.
*Thank you to the creators of two bits of story that got me thinking about this and looking at it again and what to do with it:
– The creators of Black Spot / Zone Blanche, a show on Netflix with a good, healthy dose of Darkness, both the Higher and the Bottom kind and pretty much any in between.
– Whoever wrote the Skyrim Creepypasta about Dagon, a black dragon “glitch” – I listened to it on YouTube on TheLostNarrator but here’s the original on vidyadreemz.