The Trick to BDSM and to Entities

Are you tied up in energy? Are you enjoying it?

Are you tied up in energy? Are you enjoying it?

If you didn’t know already, Fifty Shades of Grey is a highly inaccurate representation of a Dom and Sub relationship. I won’t lie, I haven’t read it – it doesn’t have any magic, dragons, or vampires, why would I bother? – Seriously though, I feel like I’ve heard enough reviews to at least draw from it.

While a contract is often involved in more hardcore BDSM, it’s more the negotiation of the contract that is the important part. Even in business nowadays, I think there’s a lot of confusion about contracts: they’re not meant to be stamped out and handed out as all-or-nothing agreements. Contracts are supposed to be negotiated between all the parties involved to make sure that everyone is getting what works best for them. Now if you walk into a job interview and try to negotiate the office dress code so you can wear flipflops to work, you might sink your chances of getting the job – then again, depends on the job, like say if you’re going to be the person negotiating the company’s contracts with other companies? So just know you have a right to ask for changes to any contract handed to you, even though asking for that might get you a solid no. (See “contract under duress” – why clicking “i agree” to use software might in some cases not hold up in court)

But personal relationships aren’t like big company employers: both parties are on equal footing. Neither party should be coming to the table, or the bedroom, with a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. If you’re the one making demands that way, chances are you’re gonna get left. Maybe not right off the bat, as BDSM-ers are subject to whims and desires as much as anyone else, but most of them are sharp as knives under their soft, submissive furriness, and they won’t put up with real mistreatment forever.

In reality, the Sub actually has as much if not more power than the Dom. Although the Dom gets off on what they’re doing, a lot their energy is focused on giving the Sub pleasure, overwhelming amounts of pleasure if they can. But no matter what, the Sub always has the ability to stop anything and everything. In fact, a good Dom would absolutely insist on a safeword, and if they felt their Sub was too shy and forgiving, would probably spend some time training the Sub to use it before fully launching into the scene or relationship. Because while a Dom may enjoy coaxing pain and emotional ups and downs from their Sub, they do not actually desire to cause harm to them. And the aftercare of calming and soothing their partner, getting them back to a state of being relaxed and healthy and healed not just in body but in mind and heart, that is key.

All of this comes after the contract and is part of a contract, or rather of the negotiation of which the contract is just a byproduct, a reference to check back on if memory ever lapses. And contracts like this should be re-negotiated over time.  Because you can’t expect someone to know everything in the world they like and don’t like if they haven’t had anyone to try it out with yet.

That is the thing with BDSM: if you think you might like it, try it. If you’re on the fence, find someone who is reputedly good at it (that you’re attracted to) and try it for a bit, but know, the minute you’re not having fun anymore, know to say slow down, try this but not this, take it a different direction, say if you don’t feel ready right now, or say stop, we’re done.

And if you’re saying we’re done, or if someone says it to you, it does not have to be a judgment against them/you. Yes, both parties’ goal is to excite and pleasure the other as well as themselves, but if they didn’t succeed doesn’t mean they’re wrong or bad. They don’t have to be ashamed or feel like a failure. There’s too many factors involved, from how a person’s day went to chemical balances in their body to upsetting things in the outside world to the freakin’ weather. Striving to be good at what you’re doing is good. Feeling ashamed, frustrated or even insulted if your partner didn’t get off is not good for anybody. Not to mention it will most certainly kill the mood.

The interesting thing is, this goes for entities too, spirits without bodies who are often attracted to those of us who do have bodies. Like the succubus and incubus in mythology, many entities feed off of lust, and off of fear. Others help to create and enhance other distractor energies like anger, blame, jealousy, shame, compulsions and so on. These entities might be around another person, someone you feel constantly annoyed or short tempered around them, or a particular place where you always seem to feel anxious or even sleepy. But other entities will come to you and remain with you wherever you go.

Thing is, from the entity’s point of view, you invited them to be there. Something about your energy or your thoughts called to them, and they assume that you are enjoying the emotions that they create and enhance for you. If you aren’t enjoying it, why do you keep inviting them back again and again?

This is where, just like in a relationship with a physical person, you have to be aware of how you are feeling. From your brain to your gut and everything in between *or below. It’s up to you to recognize and acknowledge where feelings and energies in your life are not good, even where you would just like them to be better, but definitely when you are in a bad way. Don’t take it for granted, as inevitable, just part of the contract of life, of this reality, take-it-or-leave-it. Seriously, you don’t have to leave this life, you can re-negotiate the contract. To do that you have to talk to yourself (yep that’s what i said). And you also can talk to the entities around you, both the ones with bodies and the ones without. The non-bodied people are sometimes easier to talk to, at least it seems that way in my own personal experience. Human-bodied people can get their feelings hurt, have their own distractors and judgments, on others and on themselves, and may feel rejected if you ask them to change or do different. Bodiless entities can react like that too sometimes, but I’ve found you can talk them through that pretty quickly, that they get over such assumptions faster than a bodied person. I think it might be because bodied people are so walled into in this reality, and this reality encourages and sets us up for emotional hurt, for attacking each other and keeping ourselves separated. It seems almost built for that purpose. But that’s a WHOLE other blog!

And there’s another side of this you might take a look at too: if you feel like you’re surrounded by a lot of entities, ask yourself: Am I their Dom?

Many entities have historically been bound to humans not as deities and demons, but as their informants, fetches, servants or errand-runners to do their bidding on the spiritual planes. So often it is we humans who take on a dominant position, and there are entities who are used to and expect that from us.

Now, just like in human relationships, being a good Dom means taking care of your Sub, treating them with respect and not demanding they do things they can’t or don’t want to do. Your “control” over them should be limited to only what you desire from them, and they should be otherwise free to enjoy their existence and create on their own. And too, if you don’t want to be a Dom to them in this lifetime, you don’t just kick them out of your life. You can talk to them and help them to go back to a time when they were the leader of their own existence. You can ask if they would like to declare all those contracts, all those blood rites and magic bindings and sex rituals, null and void so they can go back to being a free agent. Not all of them will want that, but a good many will, and can be excited for a change and a new chance to explore and be something different.

So the gist is:

Be aware of yourself, where you are in thoughts and feelings, and beneath that the energies steering those emotions and mental processes.

Be aware of the people (the bodied ones) around you and what’s going on with them.

Be aware of the entities around you (the non-bodied people) and where they might be influencing you, feeding off of you and you feeding off of them.

Be aware of what both kinds of people desire, and whether you can contribute to them. And whether or not they are Truly Contributing to you.

Ask for what you desire. Ask for something better. Even if the only thing you can think of to ask is “How does it get better than this?” It can always be better if you ask for more possibilities.

I revoke any permissions I ever gave anybody to feed off of my fear.
now and down through the ages right wrong good bad pod poc all nine shorts boys and beyonds

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I am a writer/illustrator of various types of speculative fiction but mostly modern fantasy. I have loved magic, and the people and creatures who live with it and use it, all my life, and writing and drawing these people in modern environments makes it all the more real to me. I also like to add an element of Darkness and horror, as well as science fiction, for “flavor”. I am fascinated with everything from unicorns and dragons to vampires and demons.

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