The Invisible Wall

Invisible Wall

Are you out of your mind? The thing that’s holding you back is.

Where have we built a house of invisible walls to keep ourselves contained while giving us the illusion of clarity of thought and sight?

So I had an interesting insight after observing my own behavior a week or so ago. I have a new freelance art project, and I’ve tried freelance before, only to find I struggled with it. Now before, I came up with a lot of “reasons” why it was so hard for me. Too unstructured, no set schedule to adhere to, no one helping me, didn’t like it, didn’t feel it, just didn’t work for me. But I was propositioned for this new illustration very serendipitously, so I went with it. It was very interesting how I reacted once I chose to start working on it.

I am observing myself daydreaming (not the creative kind, the distracted mind adrift kind), wandering around the house, wandering to the kitchen even though I’ve already eaten and just opening and closing the cabinets and refrigerator, wandering from room to room, sitting on my bed or laying down, playing with the cat or watching the snake…

I am suddenly in a state of total unfocus and inability to think/decide/choose whatever.

I have not had this level of reaction to anything for months, maybe years! Certainly not for playing games or watching tv, not even for writing down blog ideas or recording energy clearings.

WHAT IS THAT?

There is not even the thought of “I don’t want to” or “don’t feel like it right now,” I’m just not doing it.

How many times in the past have I gone into this space, and somehow I concluded that meant I didn’t enjoy or it just wasn’t my style? What if it was actually never mental, never emotional, never even judgment or reason? This feels like pure limitation, so far beneath my consciousness I can’t even sense it.

For almost every project in the past, especially digital art, once I got myself moving, putting color to canvas or word to paper, the progress just flowed. Sometimes I would even stay up late into the night. Clearly drawing is not hard. Clearly painting is not hard. Obviously writing is not hard as I was just gushing out a new story idea the other day. And here I am creating a blog right now.

What is hard is Fighting the Invisible Wall: struggling with that anti-focus and pushing through, climbing over, surmounting all that resistance that I can’t even put a name to or find a root to cause it. It’s so anti-conscious and unaware – it is purely The Nothing.

How many others have this same reaction? And what triggers it for you? If not art, is it other kinds of work? Or school? Or even hobbies or activities that are supposed to be fun or used to be fun? I don’t know abut you, but for me, I think it often happens with socializing with people too. I can come up with ten thousand reasons I don’t want to “bother” someone, but ultimately I think it comes down to this same thing: I try to choose to just go up to them and speak, but I just don’t, my mind getting stuck in some kind of loop of thoughts, projections, or distractions, and it just doesn’t happen.

So many of us have this idea (keyword there, idea) that everything that we create in our lives comes from our mind. I know I personally do projections, expectations, justifications, reasons and separations, decisions, computations, and imagined scenarios really really skillfully. But if you look at yourself as your True Self, an infinite being who creates whole realities, is All of You really contained in your front brain? Is all of your life even filtered through your front brain? Well, in a way, that is where you experience reality, but is that really where you create it? Or is your world created somewhere higher, somewhere before all this? And I use the word “before” carefully, because that implies that some kind of time is involved, but remember that Time is an illusion, something we created so that we would not experience all of existence all at once.

But these Invisible Walls, and other energies like them, are outside of our Mind. They weren’t created from thought, reason or even judgment. They were choices that we made at some point, but how many of your choices did you actually make in your mind? How many of your life choices did you actually make before the age of 5? How many did you make before you were even born into this lifetime or came into this version of reality? And since you didn’t mentally choose them, what makes you think you can mentally destroy them?

Okay, this is the point where most of us go into “Oh dear god I have no control over this! I can’t not do this thing!”

Stop. That. Right. Now. That is not where I’m going with this.

I’m going to make an aside here that’s probably going to piss some people off. Hence I will try to keep it short, but you know me (or you will if you go back and read the rest of my blogs).

So over the last generation or so, there has been a burst of people, especially kids, being diagnosed with various psychological disorders. I won’t put out an exhaustive list because that could probably double the length of the entry, but a few examples would be ADHD, bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, PTSD that sorta thing. Now I wasn’t one of those diagnosed, either because I’m high-functioning enough not to be a bothersome child or my family was too low-income to support a psychiatry bill. I did have my stepmother bring me an article about Asperger’s when I was a teenager.

Now as I began to read it, a certain string of thoughts went through my head. I started to go into “Oh, so there could be an explanation for why I don’t ‘people’ well…” but then I slammed my mental foot down and stopped myself “No, I will not give myself an excuse that people have to put up with me as I am because I have a problem. I will not stop myself from changing. I will not decide that I have a problem and therefore I can’t improve myself or do different.”

Looking back at that, and looking down into that hole, I realize just how deep the judgment goes around all of this. The very fact that the first thought I would go to is “Having this problem means you can’t help yourself, you can’t change” is a huge deal. There is a really strange validation to that, one which I wanted and didn’t want at the same time, because it would mean admitting I had basically a disease while simultaneously justifying my behavior. In addition to that is the part about “You don’t act like other kids so you must have a problem” not to mention “If you have a problem, we must identify what it is.” I actually had a kid on the bus ask me one time “What’s wrong with you?” I didn’t have a clue what to say, or what he even meant, and I chalked it up to just the usual level of being picked on.

I’m sure others have had the same sort of aches and pains, and many, many more, around this stuff, whether you were diagnosed or not, supported for it or shamed for it (or both). Let me make it clear that my following words are not meant to invalidate (or violate) you or your life in any way. I am only presenting you with a certain perspective about the thing.

These kinds of “disorders” (isn’t that an interesting word: dis-order, as in you are out-of-order, like a broken machine, instead of “Behold Your Glorious Chaos!“) are all Invisible Walls. They are conditions and reactions created by choices, creations and energies that are not rooted in the front brain, our Minds. Our society labels them as “psychological” but then our society is so heavily intellect-based and so often tosses aside the vast spiritual planes as irrelevant, religious and superstitious, or nonexistent.

But because they are so hard to change or can’t be “fixed” by thinking your way out of them, we then go to that “can’t do better” mindset. Now you have been diagnosed! Now you can tell people they have to put up with your problems because you can’t do better. Now you don’t have to try so hard to conform, or better yet, if you do manage to “overcome” and behave “normally,” you are actually congratulated for it. “Crazy Cathy was less crazy today! She gets more brownie points! Normal Nancy over here though, she was just normal. I don’t think she’s trying as hard as she could be.”

Okay, I think I went far enough with that line of thought, hell probably too far, but yeah, I went there.

So now then, if you do have an Invisible Wall, or two, or three, or forty-thousand, in your life, whether they be getting your artwork done or just managing daily life without having a breakdown: What are you going to do about it? Have you been going into reasons, like I did: “This just doesn’t work for me.” “I don’t like doing this.” What I’m asking is, have you tried to pretend that it’s mental? Anyone ever told you “It’s all in your mind.” Well screw that, what if it isn’t?

Trust me, it’s really easy to do. In fact we really, really want to, because we intellectual, smart people like to have reasons, justifications and conclusions to help us control and structure our world. Or did you go into “I can’t do this! I just can’t seem to change! I must have some kind of disorder! Don’t try to fix me! Don’t expect me to do better!” Or maybe you did both?

As I said, our modern society throws out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to the spiritual planes and even the subconscious in a lot of cases. You know more about yourself than any shrink, but the things that you Know Deep Within are the part of you that has been invalidated. There are ways to not just overcome Invisible Walls but to destroy and uncreate them entirely.

(Insert Access Bars and Body Processes promo material here)

Seriously though, I do have to mention the Bars just once, but not to advertise them (there’s plenty of ads out there, you can go check them out if you want). What also came to me, after my realization about having this Invisible Wall between me and my freelance work and other creations, was the hissy fit I threw about it.

I was so frustrated, so upset, so enraged that I could not get at this thing through my Mind to fix it, to even sense it, that if my boyfriend had not been asleep in the next room, I probably would have been screaming at the walls. I was screaming, I was just doing it very quietly.

And then it occurred to me, if I have that kind of reaction to something that is limiting me from an anti-conscious, unaware place that I can’t even think myself through or sense, gee I wonder why I haven’t felt like I’ve made a lot of progress from receiving Bars sessions? If I am unwilling to accept and deal with the existence of an Invisible Wall with grace and gratitude that I even got a little clarity on it, how could I truly receive a body process that pretty much the whole point of it is to totally bypass my mind and get straight to the issues that I cannot sense? I would obviously not be able to mentally sense the results of that. What if the headache I’ve been giving myself about it is actually my mind, dear beautiful brilliant thing that she is, trying desperately to grasp and possess this process? This is something I will endeavor to relax and not do in the future, and I encourage you, whatever modality or meditation you dive into to address your Invisible Walls, don’t do this to yourself.

Just think of your mind as being the Accounting Department of You. Would a large corporation let Accounting run the whole company? Would that be good for the company? Would that be good for Accounting?! So what would it be like to give your Accountant a break and let Research and Development do their job? What would it be like for you the Infinite Being to be the CEO of You, for real this time? And yeah, Accounting has been doing this a long time. They’re gonna be a little nervous about letting go of the reigns, but as long as you still give them things to do, things that they’re actually good at, like just gathering information, doing all the maths, they’ll actually be happier after a while of not being forced to make all the decisions.

So, why would we ever create these Invisible Walls for ourselves? Everything in life is a choice, even those things we create outside our minds. At some point we did choose and create that for ourselves. So what could possibly cause us to create an obstacle to our own creations? Well, since it is not chosen in the mind, where else would we find it?

When you walk around barefoot, where does the dirt on the bottoms of your feet come from? Did you paint it on? Or was it already there on the ground you walk on?

You see, that is what makes creation, change and self-improvement so hard in this reality. We are told all our lives that life is hard, life is struggle. We as artists are told it’s hard to get a break, the image of the starving artist is not just a stereotype but almost secretly an ideal. I mean, if you’re not starving you must be a sell-out, right? The same with “adulting.” Paying bills, buying groceries (the healthy kind), cooking, cleaning all the things, these are all really hard, right? Um, and we have to do all those things all the time…right? Just like we have to go to college, get a steady job, buy a car, buy a house, all that stuff…right…?

What if we don’t have to do any of it, neither make our lives about work and profit, nor struggle to do our work or make our profit? What if none of it is hard? What is there is nothing in the world that is actually difficult?

But we’ve been told all our lives that it is! We watched our parents and family and friends struggle to overcome constantly! Even our teachers, our mentors, our heroes, they all have stories of the days when they were young, learning the ropes, competing, doing drudge work, walking uphill both ways!

Huh, isn’t that interesting, everybody we ever based our lives on struggled, fought, cried and died. I wonder why the hell would we choose these Invisible Walls? Does…does anybody not have Invisible Walls to struggle over?

If we gave up our Invisible Walls, would we destroy this reality?

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I am a writer/illustrator of various types of speculative fiction but mostly modern fantasy. I have loved magic, and the people and creatures who live with it and use it, all my life, and writing and drawing these people in modern environments makes it all the more real to me. I also like to add an element of Darkness and horror, as well as science fiction, for “flavor”. I am fascinated with everything from unicorns and dragons to vampires and demons.

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One comment on “The Invisible Wall
  1. Hey, I’m willing to give breaking this reality a shot…and yeah, we really didn’t have much cash for shrinks, and I was using most of it. Sorry. Didn’t work for me either. I guess I never learned the art of silent screaming…

    I didn’t know about the Aspergers pamphlet either. …GRRRRRRR!

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